Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
