Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Randomize
