Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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