If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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