Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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