3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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