I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
