How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
