remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
