i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
