M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
