nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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