she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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