I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
