What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
He keeps bees of course he's weird
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
