either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
