DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Randomize
