I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
he puts the penis in happiness.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
You've changed since you got that strap on
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
