Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
