so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
i think i have herpe
just one?
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
