If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
