I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
