Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
