At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Randomize
