Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
