you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
Randomize
