I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
