sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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