I missed Saved by the Bell this morning, but Ashley in a later episode of Fresh Prince is keeping the morning wood alive.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
