Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Randomize
