My friends, they love my intelligence
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
