I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Randomize
