how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
