Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
So much rum. So many feels.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
