When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
the day after is always just damage control
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
