I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
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