My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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