Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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