My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
