She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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