my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I was not drunk enough for that final.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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