once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
