I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
