Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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