Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
