I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
You can't special order awesome
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
