genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
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