mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Randomize
