if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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