Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
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