Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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